Its kind of a selfish feeling.
I want more time with her.
I want to be able to call and hear her voice.
To have a full conversation.
For her to give me sarcasm, expecting me to return it.
We know that our loved ones are only on loan to us...borrowed.
We've all known its coming for years.
The day I found out I was pregnant with Kellen, she was in the hospital.
We thought she may never meet him.
She's been in and out of the hospital since then,
And has surprised each one of us by how she's kept pushing on.
She's ornery, stubborn, hard headed, and likes to do things her way.
I think she's ready.
Tired of fighting and hurting.
I know its ok to let go, but I don't want to.
I feel like she's been on borrowed time for awhile now.
It doesn't matter.
I want more time.
I'm trying to accept it
I thought we may get one more Christmas with her.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
I really am so thankful.
Thankful that when I found David, I also found his Grandma.
Thankful that she accepted me with open arms.
Thankful that she never wanted me to call her anything but "Grandma".
I was her Granddaughter.
I'm thankful for her humor.
Her stubbornness
And most of all, her unconditional love.
It doesn't matter if you have met her at the grocery store, a restaurant, a family get together, the doctor's office, through a friend, or if you are blessed enough to be related.
Everyone has a special place in their heart, made just for her.
She understands people, and knows that everyone just wants a connection.
I am thankful for everything that I have learned from my relationship with her.
Grandma, its ok to let go....
We all know you love us and that your life is complete.
Thank you for being you.
Love you Grandma!

Last week we had sun and temps still close to and in the 70's. It was still feeling like the beginning of fall. We LOVED it...

All of a sudden, one day, we went from warm to freezing, over night! Something about cold weather makes it *feel* like the holidays. I didn't even feel sad to see the warm temps disappear. In fact, I was almost happy to see it change. It seems like as soon as the cold weather hit, I started finding myself counting down the days until Thanksgiving, and noticing the Christmas music playing everywhere. I'm looking forward to getting a Christmas tree, decorating, and watching David all bundled up on the roof, hanging lights on the house.

We are so used to rain and clouds at this time of year. Here in Bend, they average over 330 days of sun. Looking outside, this temp change is pretty deceiving. The first day of cold, was such a beautiful day. Austin and Ethan tried to run outside to play without a coat, and Austin was trying to convince me he could wear shorts. I talked them into pants and a light jacket, and sent them out. Within about 10 minutes, they were both back in looking for their heavy coats. Austin even asked if he could double up on his pants! It was only in the high 30's that day! They are REALLY going to be surprised to see 4 below!

On clear days, we can see the Sisters mountains from our front porch. Its amazing to watch them getting covered with more and more snow each day. I tried to get a picture this morning to post here, but they are covered with clouds, probably getting more snow. I'll try another day...

So its time for Christmas shopping, planning, and family memories. I hope you all have a great finish to 2008...

Happy Holidays!

Today is the 12th anniversary of the passing of my "meme", my grandma on my dad's side. I usually remember her birthday every year, but I don't think I've really had too many years where I've remembered her passing date on the actual day.

This year is particularly hard. My dad pretty much wrote me off last week in a voice mail. He's a very bitter person, and I have tried to keep a decent relationship with him, even after others have cut off contact with him. The worst part, is that he did it in such a hurtful way. He seems to think that I don't have a "career" because of David, he's convinced that David and his whole family are liars, and thinks I'm over controlled. In the voice mail, he insulted/attacked everyone that means the most to me, except for my sisters. He even went so far as to say hurtful things about my kids, his own grandkids.

I've never really expected him to change, but mostly just tried to realize that he sees things differently than I do, and to just accept him and our relationship for what it was. I've realized that I've learned everything that I needed to learn from this relationship, and have decided to let it go. Its hard, and I have had struggles everyday this past week. I know I'll never understand where he is coming from or where his reasoning stems from. I'm ok with that. He will have to learn his lessons in his own time. I just hope he doesn't wait too long. He's missing out on wonderful grandkids, and the maturing of his children. After becoming a mom, I really can't imagine anything coming between the bond I have with my kids. It makes me so sad to think that he is ok with the way things are panning out.

Anyway, his mom was the sweetest, caring person. She died of Alzheimer's at 64. I know if she was still here she would be enjoying all of her great grandkids with everything in her, even if there were thousands of miles between them. David met her, but it was toward the end, when she didn't even recognize any family members, so he never really got to know her.

I remember how painful it was the first time we went to Idaho to visit her in the nursing home. She looked at me like she knew me, but she was confused and we could tell she couldn't place me. My Aunt handed her a picture of me on my 2nd birthday, pointed to the picture and then pointed to me. You could see that she connected and realized who I was. She hugged the picture, hugged me, and we all cried. I think that was the last time she had the connection of knowing I was her granddaughter.

There is a little irony for me now that all these years later David is running an Alzheimer's/Dementia care community. I love going in and visiting. All of them oooh and aaah over the boys, and it helps me feel lik I'm a little more closer to her. Actually, the last time I went into the building that he ran in Salem, a resident came in to David's office where I was sitting. I didn't remember seeing her before, and immediately thought she looked like Meme. She was crying. She looked at me, and said I was beautiful, and reached across his desk to touch my face. She mumbled a few things about being a good girl, dried her tears and walked away. Of course, I was the one starting to cry now...It probably wouldn't have affected me the way it did if I hadn't seen the resemblence.

We walked in the memory walk for the first time this year. Its an amazing feeling to be standing/walking in the same place with others who you know have been affected by the same disease. It was a very emotional day, and I'm looking forward to being more involved next year.

Well, I had planned on writing a short blog in her memory, but I guess I got a little carried away.

We miss you and love you with all our hearts, Juanita Mae Burns

Ethan was doing a Social Studies lesson with David while I was putting Kellen to sleep for a nap. He was learning about the Indians & White people and how they fought over land. One of his questions at the end of the lesson was to give a few examples of how they could have handled the situation differently instead of fighting over it. One of his responses was to talk it out. Then he said, "They could've just done Rock, Paper, Scissors"!

Maybe you had be there, but I couldn't help but laugh, picturing the whites and indians doing rock, paper, scissors to split up land.....

Heeeeeellllllllloooooo out there! I've finally decided to join all of you in the blog world. I've been doing a blog on Myspace, but I think I'm going to move it here.

Its Saturday afternoon, and I've promised to take the boys to the library, so I won't get into any major topic this time, but I will do my best to keep my blog up to date so we are easier to keep in contact with.

We are all doing great! Our move to Bend in August was our toughest move yet. We are so happy to be here, but emotionally we had a hard time adjusting and getting back to our normal selves. The boys are still doing the online charter school (connectionsacademy.com). Its the TOUGHEST job I've ever done, and we are still trying to find our school groove, along with trying to get that balance with social activities.

We are really enjoying our new area because of its lack of rain, and the beautiful view of the mountains. It gets hotter during the summer, and colder during the winter, compared to the valley, but I think we can handle it. The boys are so excited to see some real snow this year!

I can't believe is already time for the holidays! I'm soooooo excited!