Today is the 12th anniversary of the passing of my "meme", my grandma on my dad's side. I usually remember her birthday every year, but I don't think I've really had too many years where I've remembered her passing date on the actual day.

This year is particularly hard. My dad pretty much wrote me off last week in a voice mail. He's a very bitter person, and I have tried to keep a decent relationship with him, even after others have cut off contact with him. The worst part, is that he did it in such a hurtful way. He seems to think that I don't have a "career" because of David, he's convinced that David and his whole family are liars, and thinks I'm over controlled. In the voice mail, he insulted/attacked everyone that means the most to me, except for my sisters. He even went so far as to say hurtful things about my kids, his own grandkids.

I've never really expected him to change, but mostly just tried to realize that he sees things differently than I do, and to just accept him and our relationship for what it was. I've realized that I've learned everything that I needed to learn from this relationship, and have decided to let it go. Its hard, and I have had struggles everyday this past week. I know I'll never understand where he is coming from or where his reasoning stems from. I'm ok with that. He will have to learn his lessons in his own time. I just hope he doesn't wait too long. He's missing out on wonderful grandkids, and the maturing of his children. After becoming a mom, I really can't imagine anything coming between the bond I have with my kids. It makes me so sad to think that he is ok with the way things are panning out.

Anyway, his mom was the sweetest, caring person. She died of Alzheimer's at 64. I know if she was still here she would be enjoying all of her great grandkids with everything in her, even if there were thousands of miles between them. David met her, but it was toward the end, when she didn't even recognize any family members, so he never really got to know her.

I remember how painful it was the first time we went to Idaho to visit her in the nursing home. She looked at me like she knew me, but she was confused and we could tell she couldn't place me. My Aunt handed her a picture of me on my 2nd birthday, pointed to the picture and then pointed to me. You could see that she connected and realized who I was. She hugged the picture, hugged me, and we all cried. I think that was the last time she had the connection of knowing I was her granddaughter.

There is a little irony for me now that all these years later David is running an Alzheimer's/Dementia care community. I love going in and visiting. All of them oooh and aaah over the boys, and it helps me feel lik I'm a little more closer to her. Actually, the last time I went into the building that he ran in Salem, a resident came in to David's office where I was sitting. I didn't remember seeing her before, and immediately thought she looked like Meme. She was crying. She looked at me, and said I was beautiful, and reached across his desk to touch my face. She mumbled a few things about being a good girl, dried her tears and walked away. Of course, I was the one starting to cry now...It probably wouldn't have affected me the way it did if I hadn't seen the resemblence.

We walked in the memory walk for the first time this year. Its an amazing feeling to be standing/walking in the same place with others who you know have been affected by the same disease. It was a very emotional day, and I'm looking forward to being more involved next year.

Well, I had planned on writing a short blog in her memory, but I guess I got a little carried away.

We miss you and love you with all our hearts, Juanita Mae Burns